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G O D L E N E S
Tennis
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Ah, tennis. Young ladies in the park, nothing for underwear, bending over to
pick up their balls. Marvellous.
If you though Tennis was invented by Athena in order to sell tacky posters of
girls with itchy behinds, you are probably right. However, the people at
Nintendo showed a wilful lack of imagination when naming this title.
The place: Tokyo, 1983. A group of highly paid advertising executives have been
handed a lucrative contract by Nintendo. Their mission - to devise a name for
the forthcoming NES tennis game.
"Quiet chaps!" orders Nigel Blithemond-Smythe. "Any ideas?"
"How about 'Cocaine Death Orgy Ball Massacre?'" A voice pipes up.
"Too cliched Conrad, too dull. This isn't a game for pensioners its supposed to
be a game for kids. We want something that says 'action' that says 'fun' that
says 'futuristic'. We something that will get respect from the kids on the
streets, the gangs of L.A. and the drug dealing guerillas of Colombia. We need a
tough street name, with attitude and panache. It has to have style and edge.
Something fresh and new. Come on chaps, any ideas?"
There is a pained silence.
"Come on now, you aren't on thirty grand an hour for nothing. Ideas!"
The sound of papers being nervously shuffled.
"We haven't got all day!"
A small cough. Then a small ginger haired man in a brown suit speaks.
"Erm, how about, I know this is quite controversial, but how about 'Tennis'?"
A tense silence follows. Then the chairman speaks.
"That is absolutely brilliant Egbert! Sensational! Post-modern yet powerful!
Superb! Nintendo will shower us with bonuses! Champagne and charlie all round!"
We leave the creative world of marketing men to return to reality.
Tennis is a game involving a ball, a net and a racquet. If you have seen the
English players at Wimbledon you probably still have no idea how to play it.
A quick resume:
When you serve, make sure the ball lands in the box diagonally opposite.
Don't try and volley your opponents serve.
In a doubles game the full court is used.
On the opening screen you can marvel at the rendered 'TENNIS' logo.
Press option to toggle between SINGLE and DOUBLE game.
Press pause to start.
The in game keys are:
A - Fast Shot
B - Lob
The direction on the ball you hit is something to do with the angle at which you
stand to it and when you hit it. Haven't quite worked this out yet.
There are 5 levels of play.
In level 1 everything moves very slowly and the opposition are completely
incompetent. This is also known as Jeremy Bates mode.
On the top level everything whizzes around the screen like Chinese athletes on
'herbal' medicines.
It's probably best to start on the lower levels and get used to the controls
before going for the bigger challenge of the later levels.
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HAVE FUN WITH TENNIS
by Tim 'Useless' Henman
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Some people think that us tennis players are just overpaid undertalented spoilt
public school brats. This is totally wrong! Its so unfair! Anyway we earn much
more than you so we don't care about your smelly views!
Sorry, got a bit carried away there. I'm here to show that tennis players really
do have a sense of humour. We can show the Mark Thomas's of this world a thing
or two about cutting edge comedy! Here goes...
I'm sure you will 'love' tennis! Perhaps you downloaded it off the inter-net.
When you score a point, don't make too much of a 'racquet'. You certainly won't
be able to find a 'fault' with it! It is all 'set' to become another 'smash
hit'! It is the 'game' you have been waiting for! No other tennis game can
'match' this one! Tennis is 'ace'!
Will that do?
(That's enough crap tennis jokes. -ED)
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TRAINER MODES
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Hold on, you can't train tennis! Well we have!
--[ COMP CAN'T SCORE ]----------------------------------------------------------
In this mode the computer player never gets any points. Don't worry if you hit
your ball into the net or out of bounds or miss it completely as the computer
will never get any score. You score as normal.
--[ ONE POINT WIN ]-------------------------------------------------------------
Also known as 'We Bribed The Umpire' mode. You just need one scoring point to
win each game! You start each game at 40-0 so you get nice advantage over your
opponent. Obviously if it goes to deuce then you will need more than one point
to win.
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(C) 1998 Reservoir Gods
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