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G O D L E N E S
Ice Climber
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Ice is cold. This much we know. But did you realise how much pleasure can
be gained by chipping away blocks of it and consequently ascending a whole ice
clad mountain? No, neither did I until I entered the realm of the Ice Climber.
The Ice Climber is a lovable Eskimo chap. Like most eskimos he lives in
an igloo, has a diet consisting solely of fish, has 25 different words for snow
and enjoys nothing better than clubbing baby seals over the head.
-- THE NOT MADE UP AT ALL STORYLINE -------------------------------------------
Bjoern the eskimo is the bastard lovechild of Bjork and Mountaineer Sir
Edmund Hilary. Bjoern loves nothing better than climbing rocks whilst
listening to undergound techno sounds. His other pleasure is battering small
cute animals. Techno and animal culling may not appear happy bedfellows,
but as Bjoern explains: "I enjoy clubbing".
Before tackling his chosen conquest, Bjoern likes to give it an
ariel examination. He is helped in this test by Stan the Stalk who kindly
gives him a lift to various icy summits. Stan is ambivilous to Bjoern
wildlife assaults. "Its the only language they understand!" he bellows. "I had
that David Mellor in my undercarriage the other day. Bloody nice bloke".
The job of air-taxi was forced on Stan after he was sacked from his previous
job of promoting margarine. After an unsuccesful stint in sex education
videos, he entered the lucrative private transport market. "My business is on
the way up!" he jokes showing the lack of humour that Stalks are rightly proud
of.
Bjoern describes the moment that he reaches the top of a mountain as
his greatest high. "Imagine the best orgasm you have had and multiply by 3.
That's nothing like climbing a mountain, but it's still fun to imagine." The
insight into the psychology of a mountaineer continues. "You could say that
climbing an ice mountain is the summit of career. It is the peak of my
achievement. I feel on top of the world." The puns continue for several hours,
but unfortunately do not get any better.
But are there any potential hazards for the would-be mountaineer?
"Icicles do my head in." whinges Bjoern. "Literally."
He continues. "Birds and seals. Bloody menace. Haven't they got anything
better to do with their pitiful lives than mess around on mountains?"
But what is Bjoern's favourite aspect of mountaineering?
"I like to find a good hole and jump in!"
What's so good about getting to the top?
"There's all sorts of great stuff up there. Like vegetables. I also like to
jump on clouds - I really feel like I'm walking on air. When I get to the
summit I wait for Stan to fly past then leap aboard."
You may think that mountaineering is a lonely pursuit, but Bjoern is oftern
joined in his expiditions by his good friend Bjoarn. The friends look
remarkably similar - nothing to do with the fact that they are actually the
same sprite with different colours, but more that they share the standard
physiognomy of the Eskimo.
"When Bjoarn and I go for a mountain then its just a mad scramble to the top!
We don't help each other out - we're not pansies you know. Obviously I am the
far better climber and Bjoarn can't even climb on top of his Igloo without his
Mum giving him a leg up. But I like to humour him." laughs Bjoern.
-- Ice Climbing ---------------------------------------------------------------
On the start screen press left and right to choose level.
Press start to begin.
Press A to jump and smash block
Press B to club unsuspecting animals
While jumping press left or right to move in that direction when at the apex
of your jump.
Don't forget to have fun!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
TRAINER MODES
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* INFINITE LIVES
Unlimited Ice climbing potential!
* INVULNERABILITY
Seals and icicles hold no fear for you.
* MEGA JUMPS
Jumping. How high can you go? Pretty high with this option!
* INFINITE TIME
Spend your life in the bonus stage if you wish!
* ESKIMO SPEED
Amphetamine fuelled movement for the Eskimo chap.
* START ANY LEVEL
On the selection screen you are not limited to starting only levels 1-32.
You can now start on any level up to 99!
Be careful as you can also start on non-existant levels 100-127!
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(C) 1998 Reservoir Gods
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